Squirrels of the dead

So the other day I was walking home from the bus stop. As I walked on the sidewalk I noticed a squirrel that looked to be digging in the ground. Thinking nothing off it I started to walk past it. As I did, being a predictable squirrel the little guy ran up the tree. That caused me to notice the ground where the animal was. There was a dead squirrel laying there that was bloody. As I looked at the dead animal, the live one on the tree just stared at me. I saw that he had blood under his mouth and on his chest fur and hands. The thing fucking creeped me out so much that I had to pick up my walking pace a bit. Its like he was staring into my soul. In hindsight I wish I would have taken a picture. But yep, super creeptastic story.

Short and sweet

So I am faced with a tough decision today. The ex wants me to sign away rights to my children. Its painful, and just her asking kills me. There are pros and cons to this decision. One pro is that since I failed to break the cycle of violence for my son, that I have a chance for redemption in my daughter.

This, coupled with the fact that I have a third child with a woman I dont love on the way makes it hard to face the day. I can rarely fall asleep, and when I am asleep I dont want to wake up. It really doesnt help that I am on borrowed time. My freedom is limited.

I guess more than anything I need to start enjoying the little things in life. I have my games, I have my friends, and I have relatively decent health. So, for the few people that not only make my life livable, but also seem to feel the same about me. I love you guys.

Your title here

The guilt I feel right now is terrible. I discovered that I may have a form of PTSD, whats worse is that I may have caused this same thing in my son. Even if I wasn't a monster for being a victim, I victimized Brayden in the same way. He will love and grow up like me and it hurts more than anything has ever hurt me. This is a pain and burden I will carry with me forever, I am sorry.

If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already

Today, like most days, has left me with a lot to think about. Always on the back burner of my mind is my imminent (but short term) departure from the outside. But I also cant help but consider the events that shaped me. My first kiss, my first concert, my first love. All of this leads me to a quote that I sometimes push to the back of my mind, but I will never forget.

It doesn't matter what you do in life, so long as you are happy. My biggest fear in life is to reach the end only to find I didn't enjoy my life. So this short blog is dedicated to the people in my life that I love. Me and my family have never been close like I want. But my friends have filled in that role for me. I appreciate all the cool people I have met, and hope I meet a lot more before my time is up.

My shattered psyche

There are days where I still miss you. I hear the phantom sounds of your voice. Your scent enters my memory. In these moments I am sad. Not only because of what was last, but because I let you this far in. You never treated me good, you cheated, you yelled, you manipulated. But I still let you get so close. Hell I still get the feeling that I will never meet anyone that will get me like you. Out of everyone I know you know me the best. You have seen every side of me.

I was a fool to let you sink into my brain so hard, part of me wants to say it will never happen again. But I want it to. I want that connection like we had, I just don't want you anymore. I don't know how to deal with this stress properly, I just want a woman to love and understand me. But I am far too fucked up for that, I am damaged goods that no one wants. Destined to be placed in the friendzone of any woman I meet. Fuck bitches. So sick of it. I see all these women jumping through hoops for men that couldn't give a fuck about them. Meanwhile good, but flawed, people like me are lonely.

I still look at pictures of you every once in a while. I still think about you daily, but I am sure you barely even consider my existence.