Thursday, May 27, 2010

So a cop, a lawyer, and a zombie walk into a bar....

I have been walking with him for about three miles now. This cop, with his gun and his badge. This cop with his bad attitude and reckless disregard. Cant say that i blame him though. When the zombies came the only rule of law was who had the bigger gun. So cop trumps lawyer. As we walk down this desolate road, barren of anything but abandoned vehicle, a shambling husk approaches us from a broke down yellow hummer. The cop easily dispatches him. 'six bullets left' he spits as he lowers his weapon, with the zombie dropping just as quick.

"Where did you say you were going?" the cop asked me. "I didn't" I said feeling bold. "Well you can go back to town if you'd like, pussy" he said bluntly. In that moment i noticed the sunken features of the mans crater like face. He wasn't some young hotshot cop. This man had seen and done things I couldn't imagine

"I'm heading home." I said, deciding it was best to give the dog with the gun a bone. The cop spat as I finished. "Home?" he questioned. "Home don't exist no more." as he spoke my heart dropped. I knew it to be true, I saw it on the news before I left town. Chicago was one of the first cities to fall. Too many people to escape properly. But I couldn't give up, my beautiful Milla wouldn't give up on me. "My wife and son wouldn't give up on me" I said, abruptly ending the silence that had fallen thick like fog.

"Ahh. a woman, now that makes more sense." He said as his features took a softer appearance. "You know Chicago has fallen right?" He finished. Somehow him saying it made it feel more real. "Maybe she made it, if anyone could make it, it was Milla." I pleaded, trying desperately to convince myself. "Maybe you're right, he started as we hopped over a couple cars crashed into a roadblock. "I'm going to Chicago to see if any of the police department made it out." He said with a smirk. "And if they didn't I'm taking their guns."

As he said this two more shambling dead stumble towards us. They were elderly, and they looked a lot like my neighbors. The cop sighed as he shot two well placed shots. Brain matter sprawled on the road behind the couple as they fell. "Four left" he declared as he checked the bodies for anything useful. "Just money" he shouted as I got a little ahead of him, I couldn't waste any time. Up ahead the road turned sharply, with a giant patch of trees to both sides. "Alright lets be careful." The cop whispered as we slowly rounded the trees. Up ahead a beacon shone, an abandoned Harley sat running.

We both looked to each other and started to run towards it. As we did undead poured from the trees like sap. We continued to run but they were closing on us. It was clear they'd catch us before we got to the bike. The cop looked to me with a sullen look. "I'm sorry" he said to me as we ran. "Sorry for wh.." I tried to say, but it was no use. Two bullets ripped through my throat as i fell convulsing.

The cop ran ahead and yelled, "two left" the zombies started to close on me as I realized why he did it. I was bait, a means to an end. He sacrificed me so that he could live. As my eyes closed and the hoard descended upon me I saw him mount the bike. He sped off in an instant. All I could think of was Milla as twilight took me. I suddenly hoped there was a god as I exhaled for the last time

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Regret and Cigarettes

I'm worried about my legacy. What will i leave behind? This thought nags at me until I cant stand it. I only hope I have enough life left to undo my wrongs.

Every night I lay down, I hate myself for where I am at in life. One day Ill be the person I want to be, but that is not today. Part of me wants out of all this. But there are still too many lovers I have yet to love, and fuckers I have yet to fuck. I'm not sure I can ever be content, maybe its because I let others expectations weigh me down. If I ever dropped my veil of wit and charm, my world would crumble.

In the future I want to be successful, I guess everyone does though. I want to be known, I want money, I want to be powerful, but more than anything I want to be happy. I hate myself today, more so than usual. I keep striving to harden myself, to ensure I am never powerless, but I am stuck in a perpetual downward spiral. I am torn between the person I am, and the person I want to be.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Crosses and Crowns

I see all these people with their big houses, nice cars, and beautiful women and I think that I really want those things. But a small part of me wonders if I really do. Part of me thinks that I would just like to look in the mirror and see someone I can respect. I am horribly and tragically flawed. Sometimes, a lot of times, it doesn't bother me as much. But tonight, as I smoke this couple inches of cancer, and drink in this agony, I hate myself. I hate everything, I hate my parents for not making me the man I want to be. I hate everything and everyone that is better than me, but more than anything, I hate myself.

This hate hurts, its not something I want to feel. Its a horrible weight, but its my cross to bear. I wear this crown of thorns, this crown that I have made of my own regret and failure. I wear it as I drag my cross in front of the people I love, and the people that for some reason love me. In this moment I suddenly hate everyone that has come and passed before me, they don't have to deal with the pain of today. They are free from the regret of yesterday. But most importantly they are above the failure of tomorrow.

These people, dead and wallowing, don't have to feel. They no longer cry and bleed. They have shed their crosses, and removed their crowns. I can only hope that I can do the same, before I end up like them. I envy them, but do not want to become them. I don't want to be hallow inside, I want to enjoy my soul for the short time that its mine.

This little angst ridden diatribe helps me heal the wounds and blisters of my mistakes. I have failed so many people in my short time here, thats what hurts the most. I think to myself, is this what life is? Is failure inevitable, or can I ever overcome it? I think this as I begin to drift into the protection of my dreams. As I get one more day closer to joining all the people that I envy.

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Struggle

As I sit and try to think of what to blog about, one thing sticks out in my mind. There are a few universal truths, that have shaped my world and mind.

1- There is ALWAYS someone else out there for you that is better then who you are with now, but thats not the point in life. I see people all the time looking for the next best person and it seems pointless. They get new boyfriends/girlfriends, but keep the same friends. Seems to me that we should all strive to not treat others as a commodity.

2- When times are good, enjoy them. Because life will invariably have something really shitty waiting around the corner for you.

3- People flock to other people that look like they are successful, whether they are or not. A little bit of confidence and swagger will get you far in life. This is a lesson I wish I would have learned young. Just be comfortable with yourself.

4- Know yourself, without this you will never be truly happy. Know what you want and don't want out of life. More importantly, if you are getting something you don't want in life, fucking change it! Don't bitch that your life sucks, because most of the time it sucks because of the choices you have made.

5- Life is the most precious thing you own, don't waste it doing something you don't love. There was a long period in my life where I truly felt like leaving the world, but not only is that selfish, its foolish. It goes back to the point that even if things suck now, they wont always be that way. Even though a lot about my life sucks right now, my mind is in the best place its ever been.

6- Try not to idolize others. Its one thing to say that you'd like to be more like that person, its another to try to be that person.

7- Take risks. The best things in life come from taking a chance on something. Sure it could fail, but it is better to try and fail then to fail to try.

I leave with a quote that rings true for me: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss