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The guilt I feel right now is terrible. I discovered that I may have a form of PTSD, whats worse is that I may have caused this same thing in my son. Even if I wasn't a monster for being a victim, I victimized Brayden in the same way. He will love and grow up like me and it hurts more than anything has ever hurt me. This is a pain and burden I will carry with me forever, I am sorry.

If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already

Today, like most days, has left me with a lot to think about. Always on the back burner of my mind is my imminent (but short term) departure from the outside. But I also cant help but consider the events that shaped me. My first kiss, my first concert, my first love. All of this leads me to a quote that I sometimes push to the back of my mind, but I will never forget.

It doesn't matter what you do in life, so long as you are happy. My biggest fear in life is to reach the end only to find I didn't enjoy my life. So this short blog is dedicated to the people in my life that I love. Me and my family have never been close like I want. But my friends have filled in that role for me. I appreciate all the cool people I have met, and hope I meet a lot more before my time is up.

My shattered psyche

There are days where I still miss you. I hear the phantom sounds of your voice. Your scent enters my memory. In these moments I am sad. Not only because of what was last, but because I let you this far in. You never treated me good, you cheated, you yelled, you manipulated. But I still let you get so close. Hell I still get the feeling that I will never meet anyone that will get me like you. Out of everyone I know you know me the best. You have seen every side of me.

I was a fool to let you sink into my brain so hard, part of me wants to say it will never happen again. But I want it to. I want that connection like we had, I just don't want you anymore. I don't know how to deal with this stress properly, I just want a woman to love and understand me. But I am far too fucked up for that, I am damaged goods that no one wants. Destined to be placed in the friendzone of any woman I meet. Fuck bitches. So sick of it. I see all these women jumping through hoops for men that couldn't give a fuck about them. Meanwhile good, but flawed, people like me are lonely.

I still look at pictures of you every once in a while. I still think about you daily, but I am sure you barely even consider my existence.