Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Life and Times of The Patron Saint of Regret

As I see pictures I am flooded with memories. Some good, but most bad. Its days like these that I wish these memories weren't mine. Its days like these that make me think a lobotomy wouldn't me so bad.

I wish I could live life and just be happy, but this is a task that proves too difficult for me. I see your face before I go to sleep, and for a brief moment I wonder if I cross your mind. I know I don't, but the thought comforts me as my eyes close and slumber begins.

But as of late slumber hasn't came easy for me. I stay up until my mind literally cant think anymore. I'm losing my struggle with the memories that haunt me like ghosts of forlorn lovers.

I don't want you anymore, I truly don't. But then why wont your memory leave me be? Why must it persist like the cancer that it is? We don't work, never have, never will. Part of me wonders if that's my fault, then I take a step back and realize that I cant be blamed for everything. But that wont stop me from trying to blame myself for every pitfall.

We were in a constant struggle, always trying to one-up each other. Ours wasn't a productive relationship. The only place we could ever agree, also helped spawn some of my deepest pain. I see myself reflected in Brayden's eyes. Being told he is evil, no one can possibly understand what he is going through but me. He is me, the difference is its not too late for him. He will never be made better without my attention, I created the monster that lives inside him, and I want to help him defeat it.

Its days like these that make me consider my greatest love, and my greatest mistake. All in my head, never in front of me. I am sorry that I couldn't be the man I should have been then, if I could change it I would. The best I can do is promise that this wont happen again. I cannot create any more monsters until I slay the one inside myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment